


buzzcut season

by lovelywonho



Series: sunday best and broken glass [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: ???? - Freeform, Angst, Coming Out, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, House Party, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kinda, Kissing, LSD, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, More tags to be added, Needles, Non-Linear Narrative, Piercings, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Shoplifting, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Unrequited Love, a lil, lapslock, minor hyungkyun, minor showki, theyre about 17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 10:52:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12629406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelywonho/pseuds/lovelywonho
Summary: “do you ever get tired of watching?”changkyun’s voice disturbed kihyun out of his gloom, “excuse me?”“you’re not very subtle hyung, don’t you ever get sick of watching him?”





	buzzcut season

“just shave it all off”

kihyun looked at his friend tentatively as he fiddled with the electric shaver in his hand.

“are you sure dude? i don't want to fuck it up or something”

hoseok nodded and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, “hurry up before i change my mind”.

kihyun loved this version of hoseok, audacious and fearless, unafraid of the consequences. hoseok  was no stranger to bad decisions, and more often than not, kihyun would be dragged along with him.

but kihyun didn't mind.

he didn't mind at all.

he watched hoseok run his fingers through his thick black hair, he glanced back over his shoulder and flashed kihyun a smile,

“ki, what are you waiting for?” 

how could kihyun say no to a smile like that?

 

-

 

the first time kihyun took lsd, it was on the floor of hoseok’s kitchen. he hadn't wanted to do it at first, but hoseok had talked him into it.

“ki, i swear, it's gonna be awesome, you won't regret it”, his eyes glittered with intensity and kihyun felt his knees turn to jelly.

he lowered himself on the floor next to hoseok and looked at the little plastic baggie in his palm. he let his eyes trail up hoseok’s arm, his broad shoulders, past his neck and finally to his smile. his teeth were so perfect, lined up like a white picket fence.

kihyun rolled his eyes and sighed, “alright you bitch, lets do it”

hoseok beamed at him, a smile so bright kihun felt his heart stop for a moment, “kihyunnie, stick out your tongue for me”, he held the tiny white tab on the tip of his finger 

kihyun did as he was told.

 

-

 

kihyun sat by the edge of the pool, a beer in his hand and a cigarette behind his ear. the night air was sticky and suffocating. kihyun would've taken his shirt off and joined the others in the pool if he wasn't so self conscious. besides, he was busy watching hoseok, who was sitting on the other side of the pool.

there was a girl with him, sipping on a redbull through a straw. her hair was bleach blonde and it flared out across her shoulders like rays of sunlight.

he watched hoseok take his shirt off, flexing his chest as he lifted the fabric over his head. he watched the girl giggle as hoseok whispered something into her ear. he noticed how hoseok’s eyes drifted to the girl’s tank top.

nights like this were common. kihyun would tell his parents he was sleeping over at hoseok’s house. he would meet hoseok outside his apartment and wait for him outside the liquor store as he bought cheap beer with his fake id. from there they would met the rest of their friends at a park or they would hop the fence of the local swimming pool. It was simple, it was easy and it was enough to keep kihyun from dying of boredom. it was fun.

it was always fun, until he had to watch hoseok lean in to kiss this girl. he glared across the pool as she wrapped her arms around his neck and ran her fingers through his freshly shaved head.

hoseok looked fantastic with a buzzcut, of course he did. hoseok looked good in everything. his mother had yelled when she saw the hair in the bathtub, she didn't want her only son turning into a skinhead.

hoseok stood up and held his hand out for the girl to follow. he walked around the pool, a chorus of whistles and hollers following behind him. when he reached kihyun, he leant down and ruffled  his hair.

“dont bother waiting for me tonight kihyunnie”, he said with a wink and a smirk 

as soon as he was out of sight, kihyun knocked back the rest of his beer and laid back on the cool concrete.

 

-

 

“kihyun, can i ask you something?”

kihyun was sitting at his desk, trying to finish up some homework. however that was proving to be difficult as hoseok was laying on the floor next to his desk, fiddling with his phone and asking kihyun odd questions here and there.

“yeah dude, whats up?”, kihyun pushed his chair away from his desk so he could look at hoseok properly.

he was laying on his back with his hands stretched behind his head, his feet were crossed at the ankles. he was the perfect image of relaxation, not a care in the world. his hair was longer now, kihyun thought he looked like a bean sprout.

“why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?”

kihyun almost fell out of his chair. he looked away from hoseok and struggled to find the right answer.

why didn't he have a girlfriend yet? sure, girls were pretty and soft and nice to look at, but he never found himself attracted to one girl in particular. he had considered hooking up with girls at parties the same way hoseok did, but he never really saw the appeal of it.

“i don't know, there's no one i’m really interested in”, kihyun looked down at the pencil in his hand. for some reason he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact.

“you know, jisoo and i are thinking of making it official”, hoseok rolled over onto his stomach and rested his chin on his folded his arms. kihyun thought he looked adorable, basking in the gentle afternoon light, scruffy school uniform and socked feet.

“if you had a girlfriend, you could come clubbing with us and stuff”

“i don't have a fake id dude, besides i don't think i would like clubbing very much”, kihyun resumed his homework, ignoring hoseok’s whining.

for a minute or so, there was silence. the only sounds that filled the bedroom were the scratch of kihyun’s pencil and hoseok’s soft breathing.

“kihyun, are you gay?”

this time, kihyun really did fall off his chair.

“what? no! just because i don't have a girlfriend doesnt mean i’m gay hoseok”, kihyun stood up quickly and kicked his friend in the thigh.

“ouch, dude!”, hoseok gripped his leg in pain, “i'm just asking, its not a big deal”

kihyun rolled his eyes, “it's getting late hoseok, we have school tomorrow”, he reached out to pull hoseok off the floor and tried to ignore the way his breath hitched when he grasped his hand.

 

-

 

changkyun always hosted the best house parties. his parents both worked full time overseas, meaning changkyun was left to his own devices most nights. he told kihyun he has parties because he enjoys the loud music and atmosphere, but kihyun thinks he just gets lonely in the two-storey house by himself.

kihyun was drunk, the most drunk he had been in a long time. he can't remember how many drinks he had, hoseok just kept passing him beer after beer. when kihyun thought about it, hoseok was a terrible influence. he never pressured kihyun into anything, but he still felt obliged to follow him into the dark every time. but he didn't want to think about that right now, he didn't want to think about hoseok right now. the second his girlfriend had walked through changkyun’s front door, he had been stuck to her like glue. kihyun had watched her lead him up to the bedrooms and cringed when hoseok had playfully pinched her ass as she hopped up the stairs.

kihyun escaped to the dance floor and let the music take control of his thoughts. he felt bodies pressed up against him, it felt nice to be so close to another human. he swayed his hips and let his eyelids flutter shut. his eyes shot open when he felt someone else’s hands on his hips and a broad chest pressed against his back. he turned around to find a boy, a pretty buff boy if he did say so himself. the boy had tanned skin and full lips, they reminded him of hoseok’s.

“wanna dance?”, he mouthed, the music was too loud to hear his voice, but kihyun nodded and let the stranger take hold of his hips once more.

kihyun enjoyed the feeling of bigger hands on his body, he liked the smell of sweat and masculinity.

dancing with another boy didn't make him gay, he told himself. he was drunk, this was drunk-kihyun making choices, drunk-kihyun couldn't tell the difference between boys and girls.

over the boy’s muscular shoulder, kihyun could see hoseok in the kitchen pouring himself another drink. his shirt was on inside-out and his hair was mussed in a way that could only indicate one thing.

hoseok had just had sex.

something ripped through kihyun’s chest like a bullet. he hands flew up to clutch at his chest, but they were stopped as the bigger boy whirled him around. his eyes met hoseok’s as he was turned to face him. hoseok raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to say something, but he was silenced as he watched the boy slip his hand under kihyun’s shirt. kihyun was shocked by the warm hand pressing against his belly, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from hoseok. If hoseok was going to watch, he may as well give him a good show. he reached behind him and wrapped his arms around the boy’s neck, before sensually rolling his hips in time with the music. he let his eyes flutter shut and his mouth slip open.

when he opened his eyes, hoseok’s expression had changed. his gaze was sharper, more piercing than before. his eyes were hooded with something kihyun couldn't decode. he didnt dare to drop eye contact as hoseok’s tongue slipped out to swipe across his bottom lip.

jisoo appeared from the corner of his vision and slinked her way into hoseok’s arms once more. kihyun released a breath he didnt know he was holding as hosoek looked away from him. the hand under his shirt had slithered down to the waistband of his jeans, fingers reaching for more heated skin under the heavy fabric.

kihyun felt sick, he never got sick when he drank but he figured there was a first time for everything. he wriggled his way out of the boy’s grip and pushed through the mass of sweaty bodies until he reached the back door. he heard someone yell his name but no one followed after him.

the night air was refreshing. it was a humid night but nothing compared to the muggy scenery of the party. kihyun leaned against the side of the house and tried to regain control of his breathing. there were so many questions running through his brain, questions he didn't have the answers to. he didn't know if he wanted the answers.

he felt his phone vibrate in the back pocket of his jeans. seven missed calls from his mum, one missed call from changkyun and a text from hoseok. he unlocked his phone and opened the messenger app.

 **_shin hoseok:_ ** _;)))))_

kihyun managed to slip his phone back into his back pocket before leaning over and vomiting onto his sneakers.

 

-

  


the grass is rough underneath kihyun’s back. rough but not uncomfortable. he isnt worried about getting grass stains on the back of his white school shirt. changkyun sits next to him, his legs crossed, puffing away at a cigarette.

every wednesday, kihyun, changkyun and hoseok would skip sixth period and escape to the field behind the school. where they would smoke or nap or gossip. wednesday’s were kihyun’s favourite day of the week.

that was until hoseok started bringing his girlfriend along with him.

kihyun wasn't jealous, he swears he’s not jealous. why would he be?

they sat under a tree, hoseok had his head in her lap. he smiled up at her as she trailed her fingers down his cheek. his hair was getting long again. he had already asked kihyun to help him shave it again, but he had brushed him off with the excuse of too much homework.

“do you ever get tired of watching?”

changkyun’s voice disturbed kihyun out of his gloom, “excuse me?”

“you’re not very subtle hyung, don’t you ever get sick of watching him?”

kihyun assumed changkyun was joking, but when he turned to look at him, there was no trace of humor on his features. his eyes were soft and filled with a compassion kihyun had never seen before.

he looked back at hoseok, who was now eagerly trying to suck his girlfriend’s face off. kihyun made a face of disgust. hoseok was a huge fan of public displays of affection, but kihyun wasn't really interested.

he sat up, brushed the grass off the back of his school uniform and reached to pinch a drag from changkyun’s cigarette.

“i don't know what you’re talking about”

 

-

  


“are you sure about this? you know its gonna hurt like a bitch”

kihyun was sitting on the edge of hoseok’s bathtub, it felt weird having their roles reversed. the last time kihyun was in this bathroom, he was battling sweaty palms and a shaky grip as he dragged the electric razor across hoseok’s scalp. streams of cold water dripped down kihyun’s wrist as he held an ice cube to his ear lobe.

“yeah i know”, kihyun moved his hand and let hoseok wipe down his ear with an alcohol wipe. he didn't know when he decided he wanted his ears pierced. perhaps when he first discovered the way hoseok’s piercings glimmer when the light hit him just right. or maybe when he noticed how hoseok’s deft fingers reached up to fiddle with the silver rings that lined his ears.

kihyun thought they looked cool. he would leave it at that.

“don’t move, i don't wanna fuck this up”, hoseok picked up the needle, which he had sterilized with the flame of his lighter.

“It’s okay, i trust you”

hoseok looked up at this, a soft smile gracing his delicate features. kihyun almost melted right then and there. there was a softness in his eyes, not the same pity as changkyun had carried that day in the field. it was something warmer, it heated kihyun from the inside out.

“you trust me?” hoseok’s head tilted in question, kihyun thought he looked like a puppy. 

“of course”

 

-

 

kihyun could always tell when hoseok’s dad came home. if hoseok’s bad mood didn't give it away, it was the bruises and scrapes that scattered his arms. the first time hoseok had brushed it off, claiming he had fallen off his bike or run into a doorway. but kihyun was smarter than that. plus, he knew hoseok didn't own a bike.

kihyun was sitting in hoseok’s unmade bed, wiping down a cut on his arm with a damp towel. he looked up at him, his jaw clenched, eyebrows furrowed in pain as kihyun wiped away blood. there were unshed tears clinging to his eyelashes. kihyun still thought he looked beautiful. so, so beautiful.

his head had been shaved again. hoseok had given up on asking kihyun and turned to jisoo for help. if kihyun was being completely honest, it stung. it hurt that hoseok had gone to his girlfriend instead of asking him one more time. but if he was being realistic, he knew that was bound to happen. shin hoseok didn't beg for anyone, not even him.

hoseok sniffled and wiped at his eyes as kihyun was putting a bandaid on his forearm.

“hoseok, if he keeps doing the-”

“kihyun stop”, hoseok cut him off. just like that, his guard was up again. kihyun wondered if jisoo had ever seen him like this.

“hoseok i'm just trying t-"

“kihyun i don't want to hear it”, his voice was raised and all traces of weakness had disappeared from his features.

kihyun tensed up, “fine”, he got off hoseok’s bed, straightened out his jeans and began to walk towards the door, “i'll see you at school”. as he reached for the door handle he felt a hand latch on to his wrist, pulling him back to the bed.

“wait, i'm sorry. don’t leave me yet”, hoseok gripped his arm. when kihyun looked into his eyes, he didn't see the normal hoseok: the hoseok who was confident and daring. the hoseok who had a terrible fixation on drugs and binge drinking, or the hoseok who bravely pushed needles through his friends skin for fun.

this hoseok looked small and lost and lonely, his eyes were brimming with tears. kihyun could see the young boy he used to know. hoseok was eleven when his dad had left, and he hadn't returned until he was fifteen. kihyun remembers holding hoseok as he cried. how could an eleven year-old carry the weight of a broken home? hoseok tried, he tried so hard. for the next two years, his dad would come and go as he pleased, haunting hoseok like a ghost. 

“okay, i’ll stay” kihyun sat back down on the bed and put his arm around hoseok’s shoulders as he finally broke down.

“i’ll stay as long as you need me”

 

-

 

changkyun’s parents were out of town again. the boy was too tired to host another party, so instead he invited his closest friends over to light up a couple blunts and let their worries escape them.

kihyun was spread out on the couch, squished in between hoseok and minhyuk. across from them, changkyun was making out with a skinny boy who was perched in his lap. the boy’s name was hyungwon and they had met while changkyun was trying to shoplift a bottle of vodka.

whilst kihyun wasn't very fond of watching his friends suck face but his limbs felt heavy and hoseok was emitting a very pleasant warmth beside him. on the other side of him, minhyuk had fallen asleep and was happily snoring away.

“kihyunnie…”

kihyun’s mind was lifted out of the fog when he turned to face hoseok. there were very few things in the world that kihyun found truly beautiful: pretty sunsets, a piece of perfectly fried chicken, the warmth of his mother’s hug. none of these things would ever, ever compare to hoseok’s smile. kihyun thought it was the most delightful, gorgeous sight on earth. and so, as kihyun turned to meet hoseok, he found himself struggling to breathe. 

“kihyun, i wanna try something”, hoseok had a smirk on his lips and mischief in his eyes. kihyun was always weak for him, regardless of whether he was sober or stoned.

hoseok reached into the pockets of his sinfully tight black jeans and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. he flipped open the pack and took out a pre-rolled joint and his lighter. kihyun watched with amusement as hoseok, in all his doped-up glory, struggled to light the tip of the cigarette. 

once the joint was lit hoseok took a long drag, tipped his head back and exhaled the smoke. he looked like a dragon, kihyun though, a fluffy dragon. can dragons be fluffy? probably not. hoseok giggled as the last puffs of smoke escaped his mouth and inched around so his body was facing kihyun.

he placed his hand gently on kihyun’s thigh, just above the hem of his shorts. his fingers were warm, but not uncomfortably so.

“can you just…. just lean in a bit”, hoseok took another long puff of the joint and quickly shut his mouth, preventing the smoke from exiting his lungs. 

the fingers on kihyun’s thigh had moved to grasp his chin. despite the heat, kihyun felt frozen in his seat as hoseok’s face inched closer and closer to his. his eyes darted between hoseok’s red-rimmed gaze and his deliciously pink lips. the fingers on his chin subtly tilted his head to the left and kihyun swore he felt his heart stop as hoseok’s eyes fluttered shut. he knew what happened next, he had watched hoseok do this with countless girls.

he let his eyes slip shut and swiped his tongue over his dry lips, preparing for contact. kihyun felt hoseok’s nose nudge his cheek and the hand on his chin slid up to gently hold the side of his face. for the briefest moment, kihyun felt hoseok hesitate and he began to pull away, mentally preparing for the inevitable awkwardness that was sure to follow. but at the very last second hoseok leaned in further and carefully pressed their lips together.

even though it was incredibly cliche, kihyun swore he felt sparks the second hoseok pressed their mouths together. he committed this feeling to memory, the pillowy-softness of hoseok’s lips and the contrast of the rough palm holding his cheek. kihyun opened his mouth and let the smoke pour in, hoseok’s hand slipped down his cheek and slid around the back of his neck, pulling him closer. kihyun inhaled before opening his eyes and exhaling slowly. 

through the haze he made eye contact with hoseok, who was watching him with hooded eyelids. kihyun felt his heart rate pick up again. he expected hoseok to let him go, turn away with a laugh and continue smoking. but the hand on the back of his neck remained as steady as ever. kihyun felt naked under hoseok’s heavy gaze, his eyes were searching for something, reassurance maybe. reassurance that everything was fine, this wouldn't change anything. reassurance that kihyun was there with him, there for him. kihyun wanted to reach through the murkiness and tell him everything would alright, but he knew that wasn't the truth.

hoseok opened his mouth to say something but he was cut off by the shrill melody of his ringtone. his hand slithered out from behind kihyun’s neck and into his back pocket to grab his phone. kihyun wanted to beg him to let it ring out, whoever it was could wait. hoseok took one look at his phone and his face dropped, he held out the device for kihyun to see:

 

**_jisoooo <33_ **

 

“listen, dude, i….. i gotta take this”, hoseok rose from the couch and handed kihyun the joint with an uneasy smile, before lifting his phone to his ear and walking into the kitchen.

“hey baby….. no, i'm not busy right now….”

with hoseok out of sight, kihyun stubbed out the cigarette on the coffee table and sunk back into the couch. what was he expecting? hoseok to blow off his girlfriend for his awkward and sexually repressed best friend? yeah right. hoseok deserved better, he needed someone as free and open as him. kihyun was none of those things. one shitty shotgun kiss wasn't going to change anything.

on the couch next to him, minhyuk had barely moved. kihyun smiled as he noticed the drool on minhyuk’s chin. minhyuk, perhaps the most outrageous and venturesome of them all, drooled when he slept. how endearing.

changkyun and hyungwon had disappeared but judging by the thumping coming from upstairs, kihyun had a pretty clear idea of where they had gone and what they were doing.

kihyun looked around the living room. his friends bags and shoes scattered on the floor, changkyun’s family photos and old school pictures, the warm afternoon light filtering in through the windows. there were traces of love and life all around him, but for some reason he had never felt more alone. his heart felt empty and heavy, hanging like a dead weight in his chest.

kihyun decided there was nothing beautiful about being seventeen and in love.

love. that's what it was right? that's what he felt for hoseok. the movies and books always make it out to be the peak of the human existence. the most euphoric and satisfying feeling. but this, whatever ‘this’ was, it didn't make him feel joyous or elated. he didn't want to scream from the rooftops or out across the ocean. he wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a week, or until this feeling went away. 

who the fuck falls in love at seventeen?

kihyun ran his fingers through his hair and stood up. he walked around the coffee table to peek at hoseok through the doorway of the kitchen. there he was, sitting on the floor, giggling into his palm at something his girlfriend was saying on the other end of the phone. their eyes met and kihyun cursed at himself for the way his heart jumped.

he turned away and shook his head. he recalled the day in the field, when changkyun had called him out for staring. kihyun had denied it at first, but these days he caught himself staring at hoseok more and more. he couldn't help it, he was drawn to hoseok like a magnet. his smile was like the sun, his laugh was the sweetest sound he had ever heard and his touch made kihyun melt.

but the sun can burn you. sounds, no matter how sweet, turn to white noise after a while and kihyun was sick of melting.

kihyun collected his shoes and his bag. he noticed hoseok’s lighter abandoned on the couch and without a second thought, he pinched it and slid it into the pocket of his shorts. as he opened the front door and was embraced by warm summer air, kihyun decided that he was finally tired of watching.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at 4am the night before my art history exam.
> 
> i haven't written anything like this before and honestly im kinda nervous posting this. nevertheless, i hope you all enjoy reading this.
> 
> listen to lorde's "heroine" album while reading, specifically "buzzcut season", "ribs", "white teeth teens" and "no better". also "soco armaretto lime" by brand new
> 
> feedback is greatly appreciated!! if you enjoyed please leave me a comment xo
> 
> twitter: @lovelywonho // tumblr: shin-hoseokk.tumblr.com


End file.
